"Nobody Likes a Fat Guy" and Other Highly Offensive Musings!

"Lipid Extrapolation!"

Why do burgers make me fat?
How was I to know that
Consuming these cantankerous feats of meat
Would only heat my blood pressure to boiling
Now soiling my perfect health
My heart's on a shelf.
The mortician stands guard
As they present my legacy of lard.
---
Abe Lincoln, the Lovable Caseworker
(a parody in one-hoof of an act)

Enter: Proud Mother
Enter: Disgruntled Deceased Ex-President

Muthaaaa: "Mistah Lincoln, ahm hungry! I gots to feed mah FAM'LY!" (She food stamped her hoof.)
Abe munched on his tasty cigar. "Well, Ms. Dingaling, why don't you just eat your children? You have twelve of them, and with some preparation and deep freezing, that could definitely get you through the winter months! No one would miss them. At least, I wouldn't, and I'm all I care about. Anyway, you're only 21, so you could (God help us) pump out a few more kittens!"
Ms. Ding-ding-ding-ding was losing interest (and pints of blood) quickly. "Mistah Lincoln! Ah need muh CHECK! How else is I gonna get me some new SHOES?!" She knelt down and caressed her pet goat, Billy, who insisted on accompanying her to the interrogation.
"Why don't you try working?" Abe shot at her like a bullet would do if it entered someone's skull whilst they were watching a play at Ford Theatre. He was sure he had her this time, and he secretly snorted at his genuine ingenuity.
Luckily, Ms. Dong-Ding Tooralooraloo Duffel Bag could not access any words in the previous paragraph that weren't in quotations, so she missed Abe's smarmy incantations. She continued: "I can't! I's disabled, see, on account of my mental health!"
Abe nodded in agreement. "Oh, I can definitely understand that!"
"So you's gonna help me out?"
"Now, let's not get too excited, here, Ms. Dingalingadingdong. I merely agreed with your psychological evaluation. Being insane does not a welfare recipient make, comprende?"
"Huh?"
"My top hat says that you're too much of a liability to even be alive. I'm afraid we're going to have to shoot you to put myself out of your misery."
"Oh no!!!" here she wailed like whale.
"And your goat, too, I'm afraid."
"Oh, mercy!" she croaked like a frog.
"Ha, ha!" Abe squealed with delight. "I'm just kidding, Ms. Dinghy-Thingy!" Abe continued, and he promptly slapped his knees (all four of them). "I would never think of hurting another human being, unless of course, it happens to be John Adams, and that's only because he owes me twenty Confederate Dollars!"
"You's crazy, Mistah Lincoln! I ain't comin' here again!! Come on, Billy!" Ms. Doris-Dee-Duffield-Dong led her goat out of Abe's Tavern of Government Hand-Outs. Abe looked at himself in the Strawberry Shortcake mirror he had placed by his table for such occasions as this. "Watch out, David Hasselhoof. This player's on FIRE like a Lifetime movie about a woman who can't control her gambling urges! My Gourd, I'm hot!"

And with that, the story cease-fired!
-----

It has been proven that 100% of Cheerleaders serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

Tofu Pups are evil.

People worry too much about being socially acceptable. That's why 98.6% of people are bona fide fakes.

Most people do not understand what the word "irony" actually means. Isn't that ironic?
---

"This is Sequoia! She was held back! She can do a split!"
-Exit 57